Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Life is weird.

I've been sadder than I ever have in my life over the past months, and I suppose that those kinds of feelings are just part of growing up. It's like the idea that 'good' is defined by the very existence of 'bad'; you have to know what it's like to be broken in order to appreciate being whole again.

Guilt is a horrible, horrible thing to feel. It sucks to know that you hurt somebody and not be able to do anything about it. It is not at all fun to simultaneously feel like crap and know that you really don't have a lot to complain about. And I am constantly in that battle with myself of feeling bad, or sad, or angry, or anything negative, and also feeling guilty about it because honestly, my hardships are trivial compared with most.

But they're still my hardships.

And because they existed, and were hard to get through, the whole getting through them part is pretty damn amazing.

Because I finally feel like I'm through. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful, fun memories from this past semester. I felt happiness. There was just lingering negativity that kept me from defining myself as a happy person, overall.

And although the culmination of a low point in my life coincides with a new person (!!), I don't want to imply that it took another person to 'heal' me. Rather, I think that I had to be healed independently before I was ready to meet someone new. So the events are related, but still separate.

I believe 100% that a person has to be able to okay with alone-ness, even if it's just for a portion of your life (and for most it will be). I used to let someone else define me. I let another person integrate themselves into my identity and didn't realize my mistake until they were gone.

Now, I know who I am. At least, I have a better idea. And I am ready to let the past go, finally, completely. I am ready to start something new, and maybe be someone new. I still have moments of weakness, and my past is an important part of me, but the present is so much better.

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