Saturday, August 24, 2013


I have been feeling down for a while. It's not because of any one thing, and it's not constant unhappiness either. I guess I would describe it as a general feeling of insecurity. Yes, duh, I'm a young person and I feel insecure. I know that's not unique. And I wouldn't be writing about this if it was just going to be a list of complaints or angsty whining. Bear with me!

I discovered that I let other people have more of an influence on my happiness that they deserve. All of my feelings of "not good enough" - not attractive enough, not talented enough, not outgoing enough, etc. - are self-inflicted. I get to choose whether or not to be happy. Happiness, and confidence, doesn't come from a collected supply of compliments and approval. It comes from knowing that you deserve to be happy. It's only when you have a sense of well-being that is independent of others that you can find people to share in that happiness, rather than depending on them to provide it.

I may be shy before you get to know me and seem boring on the outside. I may not always be comfortable with my body. I can't dance worth anything and I don't really like to drink.
I may not be that small, cutesy girl who laughs at all of your jokes and flirts by playing hard to get or finding stupid reasons to touch you.

But all of that is okay with me.

It's okay because I'm happy being me. I like that I set high standards for myself. I like that my closest friends know that I'm an absolute dork. I like how I look - might as well, because I can't change it. I like being sarcastic. I like that I'm cautious with my words and decisions, and think things through.
And I like that I've finally realized I should not and will not change myself to fit someone else's picture of the ideal girl.
Most of all, I like that when I feel something, I really feel it. Because I know that when I finally find what I'm looking for, I'm going to give everything I have. I don't do emotions half-heartedley. And I know I have a lot to offer.

I've wished in the past that I wasn't so emotional, because I know what it feels like to pour every last bit of your heart into somebody, and you think it's going to last forever. And then it doesn't, because life changes. It sucks. It sucks to lose that security and the warm feeling in your chest of knowing you're not alone. It sucks to realize that loving somebody is a risk, and you don't always "win".
But I know now that the risk is so worth it. I'm not going to pretend I have a lot of life experiences or wisdom, but I do not for one second regret who I have let into my life. I have been incredibly lucky, and for the sake of keeping things private, that's all I'll say.

I'm not a writer, so I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense or is hard to follow. It's kind of a conglomeration of thoughts that have been slowly forming into coherent ideas for a while, but a lot of it is from amazing advice I've been given. I don't know what I did to deserve such supportive, genuine friends, but I cannot even put into words how much they mean to me.

I know I'm not going to change overnight. I'll have sad days, and times when I don't feel confident. Everyone does. Hopefully, though, I will remember that those bad feelings don't last. I was created with a distinct identity, and you know what? Nobody is ever really alone, if they know where to look.

Isaiah 40:31

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.